A few posts ago, I posted the opening to a short story that I wrote in high school. I didn't receive much feedback on how it struck you (the reader), so maybe it didn't! :)
But here's a reworked opening that I hope is more powerful and engaging.
******
I woke. My body lay motionless, but my brain jolted. The room was dim, so the sun must have set or pulled the clouds back into place. I heard the back door open as my son entered the house.
Alarms resonated in my skull. He didn't slam the door as was his habit, but closed it with a 'click,' instead. The sound of the latch catching in the lock seemed to echo across the house. There was no skip in the slight footsteps scuffling across the tile floor.
He rounded the corner into the room where I lay. My mind raced. All was still. Even a giant horsefly buzzing around the room seemed to have trouble staying in the air and careened wildly from side to side.
"Father," he cleared his throat. "Look what I found."
Alarms resonated in my skull. He didn't slam the door as was his habit, but closed it with a 'click,' instead. The sound of the latch catching in the lock seemed to echo across the house. There was no skip in the slight footsteps scuffling across the tile floor.
He rounded the corner into the room where I lay. My mind raced. All was still. Even a giant horsefly buzzing around the room seemed to have trouble staying in the air and careened wildly from side to side.
"Father," he cleared his throat. "Look what I found."
3 comments:
Steve,
Each and everyday a writer sits down to communicate their story for the public critics. Each and everyday will not be a masterpiece but then you keep trying and eventually viola.
You tell your story the way you see fit. You will work much on your writing style as you go. As long as you are communicating a story someone wants to read then you are doing good.
Kendal
Steve, you have a blog! Cool!!
I like your story's beginning. Is there more?
Jeanine
Steve,
I think it's good intro that leaves the reader with the right amount of curiosity and trepidation about just what the son has found.
Post a Comment