START WITH A POWERFUL OPENING

I recently read a book called The Power to Write. It had some real good advice and some basic exercises for improving seven "keys" that they author identified to "discover the writer within."
The first "key" is to start with a Powerful Opening. I'm going to use a short story that I originally wrote in high school and work on it following the author's "keys."

I invite you to follow me on this process. Below is the original opening. I haven't edited it since a major re-write several years ago. Over the next week or so, I'll be working on re-writing it to make it more engaging and powerful.

Please comment on your thoughts. What did you like? What didn't you like? What worked? What didn't work for you? What questions do you have from the opening that you hope will be answered in the story? What do you think I could do to make the opening more powerful?

You can comment by e-mail or on the blog...If you comment anonymously, please put your name so I know who you are.

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(Excerpt from Untitled Short Story)

That day brought the first sunshine the city had seen all week. Giant sheets of rain swept through the city streets like a brigade of soldiers marching on parade. The rhythmic whoosh against the pavement created an unsettling cadence. At the first sign of a halt in the assault, my seven-year-old son escaped the prison house to entertain himself with the adventures of a child in the great out doors.

My spirits should have lifted when the sun peeled the clouds away. I was glad that the boy could get out into the fresh air, but the break in weather brought no break from the storm that ravaged my mind, heart and soul.

I'd once grilled a steak that had been flash-frozen. It was hard like a stone. It was the color of beef, yet had none of its qualities. There were ridges where the meat had sagged at the exact moment of freezing. That was my heart—frozen solid, unfeeling.

There had been so many sleepless nights that I finally collapsed onto the sofa. Even that was a reminder of the times that she had lain beside me there as we snuggled watching a movie. Today, the humidity was my only companion, as I slipped into a restless sleep.